Willpower

Willpower is difficult. I have large amounts of willpower with things I actually want to do - like knitting, sewing, crafts in general. I am very good at Making Things Happen; telling people what to do, organizing them, and then standing over them to make sure they actually do things (while helping out with whatever I'm organizing, of course). I've gotten pretty good at actually getting out of bed in the morning and leaving the house when I need to, even though I never really want to do either of those things. Eating regularly is still a huge challenge - I really wish I enjoyed cooking, but I just don't. At all. Enjoying eating would be a huge help as well, but still working through those issues.

So, as a person, I'm imperfect (duh), but I'm aware of a bunch of stuff I need to work on developing, enough to keep me occupied for a while at least. (Most of it is going to stay private.) But I'm definitely better than I was, which is awesome!

(Side note: I'm getting progressively worse at spelling though. I blame it entirely on spell check?)

My real difficulty right now is school and school-related things. I'm in math, getting a minor in fine art. I love the fine art classes (admittedly I've only taken two so far) but I'm taking math classes for the first time in a while (for complicated reasons) and ....I just really don't enjoy them all that much. They're boring, not all that well taught, and I just can't find any enthusiasm for doing the assignments. I don't want to learn this math just so I can repeat it on exams, just so I can pass courses. I do get something out of finishing a problem, but I never care if I did it properly, and I don't care enough to do more work than is one the assignments. I know that to be good at anything you need to work really really hard for a really really long time, and quite frankly I just don't care enough about math to do that.

Ideally, I want to know a bunch of stuff about a bunch of different things, but what I really care about is crafts, and that's what I've cared about since kindergarten. I probably should have found a job and taken the summer off to try and figure stuff out, but I didn't so now I need to deal with courses I don't really want to be in.

The main reason I don't just run with the craft thing and switch to fine art is that I'm really (really) terrible at not spending money. I'm definitely not as bad as I could be, but I basically have no income and I spend my food money on frivolous things I don't really need. Admittedly, it's not tonnes of money, but with no income it might as well be. I'm getting better at making instead of buying, but now I just spend my money on craft supplies. I don't know if I am skilled enough to support myself by crafts, either. I'm working on making more things to sell this summer, as well as getting commissions from friends, so we'll see how well that goes.

Really though, I just want to be a fairy when I grow up. A yarn fairy.